This last September was terrible.
Feels therapeutic to write that.
See we didn’t talk about it really. We don’t talk about it. Not just us as a couple but- our culture.
We just don’t talk about it.
It’s a weird thing because I rail against that, but I also understand it.
When we found out we had miscarried this last September I was conflicted. I wanted to shout from the rooftops, post on my newsfeed, wear on my shirt: “We’re hurting, we went through this terrible, unexpected thing.”
But I also didn’t want to talk about it.
I didn’t want to hear a hundred- “I’m sorry”s.
That might sound bad, as I know people mean well, but I just wanted to get through it.
I think really what I wanted to do with this blog post is two things. I wanted to talk to me as I went through this and I also wanted to talk to me before I had experienced it.
Because of that and the serious nature of the topic, I’m splitting this up into two posts.
Today I want to tackle the first; I wanted to talk to me as I went through it. I don’t know if you’re going through this, have gone through this, or are fearful of facing it someday, but I’m writing this for you.
Not because I know more, or completely understand your story, or have some mythical insight.
Just because I want you to know I care.
That’s what we needed to know and to hear.
We needed to express “We’re hurting.”
We needed to feel “We care.”
So here are 3 things that we did when were going through this that seemed to help. While I don’t pretend to know your story or your pain, I hope in some way they may help you if you’re going through/have been through this.
- We talked to each other about it.
Miscarriage is weird because you’re robbed of this thing you didn’t fully feel you had. This is especially true for the husband. My wife planned to surprise me with a fun pregnancy announcement. She knew and was putting a few things in place when something went wrong. She immediately came to me, concerned and wanting help on, ‘what next?’. The strange feeling was finding out both our pregnancy and our possible miscarriage at once. It was a lot of emotions and thoughts all at once. What I love about my relationship with my wife is we could talk about it. We talked through what we were feeling, what we were thinking, and sometimes we talked through the silence. If you’re going through this and your significant other is a trusted influence, talk to each other about what’s going on. And listen. Even if the other feels numb and disconnected.
- We told someone.
Not everyone. (Until now). But we did choose to tell a few, select people at the time. And it helped. I think sometimes we feel like we shouldn’t be grieving because it’s like…nothing happened. That’s the way it feels. But telling someone you trust and love cements it as an event that impacted you. You lost something precious and telling someone helped us affirm and process the grief.
- Stop scolding yourself.
A thought I kept having was, “You can’t complain, other people have gone through so much worse”. Truth is, it was probably true. I’ve heard so many heartbreaking stories of still-births or even losing a month old infant or a toddler. Those are heartbreaking terrible things. That doesn’t mean you can’t be hurting. This is also true if you are struggling with infertility. Your pain is still real and it is absolutely valid. The other thing you might be struggling is wondering if you could’ve done something different, to change the outcome.That is a path that is not worth following. We live in a sin-filled, broken world. Our doctor told us, “The body knew something wasn’t healthy and it decided to stop the pregnancy.” In God’s plan there was no “unhealthy”, there’s nothing wrong with a Christ-follower mourning the departure from God’s perfect plan. Your pain is your story, and God is invested in your story.
I don’t know if that helps but I know it’s helped me to write it and helped my wife and I to work through our feelings as we composed this post. If you’re going through this and you’re hurting, we care. Someone in your life wants to be there for you so reach out, and remember, what you’re feeling and going through is your story. God cares about your story.